Cae's Life and any good stuff

So here I am talking to you again after months and months of goness but Ive decided that these days are hard to keep by so why not keep track of them again. After some relationship issues ive decided to just live my life day by day and just wait until whatever happens. So what do I usually do you say? Well Saturday thru Wed I have work for 8 hours (of course) and from there I either sleep, computerize myself or hang out at my past job (A strip joint) XD. Its been going like this for the past few months so I haven't written too much these days but I think I'm getting back into the swing of things. At this time, I'm just using this laptop since I don't have my computer at this time but hopefully I will have it soon enough. This will do for now but who knows. Go Furrys!!!!111

So I'm a bit confused as what happend last time, here is what I recall. I was upset and stress from certain events so I got on SL to talk to some friends of mine. As I was typing, the next thing i knew was my head banging the computer desk and me falling off the chair, but I passed out before i feel the fall to the ground. Next thing I knew, i was awake in my bed. I had no clue if someone moved me or I did it, not sure. As I got up, I felt my stomache turn and the next thing i knew, had to barf. I've done it twice so far, I just ate and I feel my stomache about to reject it too. But the weridest thing about it all was that I found a note on the counter that said, "I just faint, I can't think, I feel sick, sorry about trash." Whats odd? I don't remember writing that at all. After I passed out, i woke up in my bed so I don't know how I worte that. I feel like shit to sum it all up. Resting isn't working cuz i still feel too sick to sleep or anything. Ill just see how it goes.

So its week 3 and still no job. I finally applied at Cheddars today and turned in the application. When I got back to my car, it decided not to start back up. Spent about 30 mins. in the heat, which was terrible. After that it decided to start back up so I went home, upset and hot. My car is falling apart and i need it fix but i have no money. I tried to ask my dad but he was busy. I need a job soon, I can't live like this. Ill kill myself living like this, I did once and I didn't like it. My mom left a message again. She seems so depressed on the phone but when I talk to her, she gets so upset about my weight. I just wanna rip my hair out because of it. I don't need that shit right now but yet she pours on it, and now she wants to see me in 2 months? I don't what im gonna do. I'm so fucking stressed out and upset........Ill find something to calm me down. Ill force it. I have to. Ill find a way...I usually do....Even if I don't like it...

I'm in a bit of a pissed off mood. I call a friend a while ago to help me with getting a job around the area. He seemed more then pleased to help so I was happy about it. Well, today he called me and began to bitch at me about how I ALWAYS asked him to do stuff for me. This isn't true, I bearly ask him of anything and he gets pissed at me for asking him for help. Telling me that I'm making him waste his time on helping me when he can be doing other things. If you didnt' want to do this you shouldn't have said you would you dumb fuck. I hate this shit, esp since ive done many things for him including letting him borrow my game systems at the time I had them, lending him money to help him with certain things and so on and now he does this. Makes me want to not lend anything to anyone or help anyone. I do nice things and when shit like this happens, I just don't want to do it anymore. It fucking gets on my nerves and I'm tired of it. Ill probably take a nap to cool off before I do something rash. My Birthday is less then 12 hours now so maybe a drink tonight will help me calm myself. I'm just too upset to think right now.

So ends the weekend....but I have no work. I hate this feeling because it feels i can't provide my roomies with money to pay for the apt. I don't want to be someone that loafs around all day, its nice but not for me. But of course, more shit has to happen. Like how my bank account showed that I had 9 cents one day but -34.30 the next. That pisses me off cuz i can't never tell when it does that or why, like im getting screwed. I need to start using money againg...fuck it. Card for wow, cash for rest. I'm just upset right now....I kinda feel lost and outta place. I was suppost to go shopping for food and now i can't which makes me feel worse. I need to find a job soon, i need to make money soon. I can't live like this, I just can't. I think im just upset cuz its late and im tired. I hope things get better soon. Damn, its times like this i need a drink...and im getting one on my B-day damn it. I'm not expecting anyone to give me anything cuz ive been shitty with my birthdays with others so ill just relax that day or something. Its late, im off to bed before I do somthing im gonna regret. I'm sorry roomimes I can't help.

Well, its exactly one week from me being 21! Yay for drinking...I think? As much as that sounds good, of course something bad has to happen. Today I got laid off from my work due to some issues. It sucks cuz I never hated my job and I was very grateful for having it yet they seem that they HAD to let me go. What is their true reason? Who knows. -shurgs- Ill need to start looking for my different options and gauge what I need to do. I'm not sure what to do but I usually pull though so I'm not worried too much. Its funny cuz I woke up this afternoon from a nap thinking it was time to go to work but I forgot I got laid off. In the mean time, Ill have to do what I can to help suppost my part of the bills and house. I do feel bad cuz I'm dead broke off the bat and now I lose my job. Ill have to do my best. All I'm doing now is waiting on my last paycheck and my B-day. Nothing is happening on that day so I'll probably just chill at the house and buy a few drinks to ease myself and just to relax. I'm not sure whats in store for me now but I'm sure everything will be ok. Otherwise this LJ would be me panicing. I'm tired...I'm going to bed...and probably sleeping late again. But I wouldn't be Caelum, The White Tiger, if I didn't.










P.S....Thank you Sdo and Kel...I can't tell you how much I'm thankful for you not kicking me out and tolerating me for my lack of funds. At this point, I'm feeling pretty worthless and useless without the job now.

There comes a time when someone feels outta place. Where everyeone turns away from them when they need them the most. When they say something but they are ignored. When they make a friend but they only care about their friends. Ive thought about this alot but as many times as I tried to ignore it, it comes back to me. There comes a time when sometimes I try but nothing comes back. I don't know, ive only aquired 4 hours of sleep and I can't sleep and I can't think and my mind hurts cuz it feels like someone smashed it against the wall. Call it whatever you want. Frankly its anything you want it to be. But, there is a time when you felt like this too. When you feel that everyone is against you and you want their attention but nothing shows. Maybe its a rant but it has truth to it. Maybe you see where I'm coming from and maybe you don't but know this. If there is ever a time that you feel about this with me or at me, tell me. Don't hide it. Show it to me, let me hear you out. If you dislike me or even go as far as hate me, don't be afriad to tell me. Better I know now then to find out later. I maybe saying this cuz I can't sleep but who knows. Maybe I should sleep some more or rest my mind, but I felt I should say this. Ill put this subject down for now. It may come back, it may not. But I feel I should record it.

Woot, Payday is tomorrow! I need the money, I hate feeling broke cuz it feels like the world shuts off to you. Kinda why I don't go anywhere that much but thats ok cuz payday is tomorrow. But yea...so ummm..FC has started already. I know that If I didn't see Samantha I would be going there but fate works in strange ways I guess. Ill go to one eventually but only time will tell. Who will come with me? Who will I meet? Who knows. *shurgs* In the mean time, WoW and CSS and work will be my time killers so im not that much of a hurry but one day I will go. Oh, did I mention I get pay tomorrow? XD

Ok, so one week as gone by so I thought I do the LJ thing so I track of myself. I hate being poor. Its one of the worse feelings in the world and I'm getting a huge helping of it right now. v.v Whats worse is that after you get money, alot of it goes to other things so you don't really get all that money. XP But life wouldn't be life if that..ummm, trying not to use another negative here...screw it..didn't do that. So change is kinda happening, I do see some small improvments within myself so I'm making progress. I'm sure nobody knows what that is but, hah, its still under wraps. Don't worry, ill spill it soon enough. This weekend was good..stayed home all weekend to rest and relaxe, which is always good. Hopefully when money comes my car will be fixed and somethings will get taken care of but it will take time so be patience people. Well, its getting late so I'm off to bed..then the dust mines. Sleep well everyone and remember, your best friend is a dream that never wakes you up and takes your breath away...Oh, speaking of which. Two nights ago, I had a dream where I was in this building of some sort with these other people. We were floating in the sky and one of the exits had a road that ran out but had not connection so you could fall out if you kept going. Well, at one point a tidal wave came and created this new world that connected to this road. I can't begin to tell you how much it blew me away. So detail and so busy of people and streets and activity. This is certainly one of my best dreams to date and I want to rememeber it for a long time. Sorry can't say anymore as i'm not sure how the rest of it went but It was very nice indeed. Ok, enough chatting, more dreaming. *plunges head first into the wave of dreams that is his bed*

So later on tody, since its past 12:00 over here XP, I have to help a roomie's brother move into his place pretty much next door to us. I hate moving, it sucks and I don't like it but he help us alot on our moving day so I guess I owe to him to help. That and he works the next day...at the same place we do. XD All live in the same complex, all work at the same place, I swear we are gonna have the entire Apt. complex work at our workplace. XP. I'm a bit outta wack since its late so ill end it here. Sleep...she waits for me with open arms. BTW, love the Shampoo pic. XD HOORAY SHAMPOO!!!!

So here I am, back again with another entry that I haven't made in forever but a friend of mine suggested it when I told him what I wanted to do. I'm keeping this as a track for myself, any who wish to comment it is more then welcome to it but I want to keep track for myself. I realize some won't understand, but there is a part of me that feels that I need a change in my life. Not like a new house or roommates or anything like that, but a change for myself. I've thought about it for a while and feel its time I should put it to work now. I won't give all the details but I will update this journal for myself to see how progress goes. I'm not sure how this change will affect me but I feel I need to do it. I guess its some sort of reality check that set me off to do this, but I feel excited and nervous at the same time. So this is my first entry I guess and Ill keep updating as time goes. I hope this change helps me to know a bit of myself and maybe express to others what I am or what I do. Time for bed now. Stand tall and shake the heavens. ^_^

I don't expect anyone to read this but i just want to type for the record. So the new year has gone by. 2006 already but nothing has changed, just a new number really. No special monument, no new type of product to help the world. Just...a new number, but then again, we are celebrating a whole new year. Most people are taking this day to the limit with lots of drinking, partying, and no doubt sex. For me, im here in front of my computer, fireworks in the background with everyone watching a moive, or at least at the time it happened. I guess im not as excited as i should be, not too much of a reason to be. This past year has been quite a ride and has changed me quite a bit, for good and bad. I do feel a bit pulled. These past holidays everyone went to go see family and friends for christmas.....I didn't go at all for the sake that i didn't want to. The new year comes up and people are going places....I didn't go for the sake that I didn't want to. Was it because I didn't want to be around people, maybe i wanted to stay home for peace and quiet, or maybe im just being too lazy to come out and expand my world. Though for the past few weeks I have been going through some really emotional trips, odd ones in fact. At one point I was very happy, another i was very sad, but alot is lonely, though im sure nobody wants me to go on about this. In the end this year, or 2005, pretty much changed alot of my views. Relationships, Someone trying to be my step father who turned out to be a total asshole (will not go into it so don't ask v.v), more of who or what I am, what I want or need, etc, etc. I hope something goes good for me this year. I will pray really hard that something is blessed to me. Something to make my life more easy, a really special memory, or....maybe a mate of my own. Heh, that would be a pretty big change. Well, time goes by and I will live, or try to live this year a little more full. I gonna try to get more interative with others, just have to jump the shy hurdle...or something. In the end, I think this will be a good year. I pray it will, I hope it will....yea, it will.

Wow, its been forever since I written in something like this. Werid but I have the urge to say something I guess. So my main thing right now is FC, which is a furry con held in San Jose. I'm trying to get organized so i can get ready to go. Though i'm really excited, i'm kinda scared and nervous for a lot of reasons. 1. There are only two people that I really know, the rest are wondering spirits. 2. Its my first furry con. Can't really tell what to expect but i'm gonna have fun damn it. I'm sure, all in all, its going to be a blast. I'll feel a bit more at ease once everything is taken care of. If anyone has any ideas of what i should do or maybe accomplish something, kinda throw that my way. Otherwise im gonna be a sheep in a heard of wolves.....and foxes....and bears....and...etc.

So, this is my first entry for anyone that makes it, give a shout out or something, ill post more when things happen but in the mean time, ill just nap away my fears and awake with.....sleepiness.